i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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