I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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