The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
