I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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