I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
