I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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