low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
