does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
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New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
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if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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