the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
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you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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