I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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