Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
