i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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