Hey man sorry I got all grabby
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
