headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
