Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
