I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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