I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
