yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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