i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
