i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
