That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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