that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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