I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We need to get me chipped asap
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
