Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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