He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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