Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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