john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
