half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
