I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
