if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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