my phone needs a breathalizer
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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