If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
