What a fucking waste of an outfit
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can I color on your dick again?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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