I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
