I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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