It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
