When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
