You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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