youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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