two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize