I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
