im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sobbing to NWA
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
