dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
