the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
