I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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