dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
