How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
