she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
