you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wish there were birth control emojis
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
