he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dignity is for republicans.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
