Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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