I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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