Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
