So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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