guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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